Coupon Lady

I got stuck in line behind the coupon lady from hell today. I was so intent on getting my mission accomplished that I didn't realize it until it was too late.

I pushed my cart into an aisle of the grocery store that did not have the "open' light on. I looked at the checker dude and asked if he was still open and he assured me he was. I didn't realize at the time that he was so distracted/busy with coupon lady that he couldn't take the time to flip a switch.

I got up there and since the woman was already firmly ensconced at the station where one divvies up cash/charge/debit I didn't look. I assumed I was close to getting my stuff scanned and paid for. Boy, was I wrong.

I put up my reusable grocery totes and then started throwing my heavy crap on the conveyor belt. Checker Dude looked at me and told me Coupon Lady wasn't done unloading her cart.

THEN I looked. THEN I realized her cart was half full. She hadn't been paying -- she was leafing through the store ad and shuffling through approximately 1,279 coupons that she had in an envelope. And she was contesting every charge that came up on the screen by going through the ads and her coupons -- which weren't well organized.

To help I started taking things out of her cart and placing them on the belt. But there was more!! She had shit on the shelf below the main basket. Holy crap! When her merchandise actually moved along, I saw the bag of grapes was open and the movement caused one to fall on the floor between our carts.

Checker Dude was flustered, but kept his composure. He complied with every request she made to check the ad, the coupon, whatever. Even when things had already been scanned, couponed and checked she called him on some two cents she was due. Checker Dude had Bagger Boy find and remove contested item. Sometimes he had to call corporate for a judgment call, I swear.

To pass the time I looked at magazines. I didn't know who any of the people on the covers were, big surprise. Bigger surprise -- I looked at magazines and did not cold cock this penny pinching hag. Biggest surprise -- it amused me to watch Checker Dude being pushed to the limit and not cracking. Kind of reminds me of my waitress days when patrons did not die of their obnoxiousness and left a tip besides.

Coupon Lady finally gave up on her penny pinching because her ice cream was melting. Then she pulled out two 100 dollar bills to pay for her purchases. Checker Dude nearly cracked since he did not have much for change. Coupon Lady settled for 5's and 1's ("How many ones??") I guess her melting ice cream took precedence since she accepted them.

Coupon Lady apologized to me for the delay. I told her I would remember her and never get behind her again. When she was gone I told Checker Dude he was a prince, which he was. He reminded me of the store motto "a friendly smile in every aisle".

As I was leaving I told Bagger Boy and Checker Dude that Coupon Lady lost a grape and would be back for it. I could hear their sphincters snap.